Letting Go

"God doesn't stop providing. He's constant in the provision, whether we see it or not. It's just that sometimes He starts providing differently, depending on what we need for the moment." - from Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher.

I've seen this truth playing out in my life over the past couple of weeks. I highlighted these words on the day I started reading the book, never dreaming of what was about to unfold in my life or how much I would have to trust this.

On June 10th, my aunt fell and badly injured her hand. She lives with me, so I needed to take some time off work to help her since she was not able to use her dominant hand at all. I didn't really think much of taking the time off at the time. I assumed a week or two would fix everything, that her hand would heal quickly, and then life would return to it's normal flow. However, the injury was worse than I had thought. It led me to take more time off and then more again. Finally, still unable to know a time frame of when she would be well again and feeling like the worst employee in history for all the time I'd already taken off, I made the decision to resign from the job I'd had for two and a half years.

This was not an easy decision for me. I'm not a person who likes taking risks. I like knowing where things are heading before deciding anything; every plan I've ever made has been well-thought out with contingency plans in place. I like safety nets. I'm afraid of unsure things.

Walking away from a good job is not something I would have ever considered being a wise decision. Especially not when I don't have another job lined up and know I'll be relying only on my savings until I am able to return to work and find another position.

Fear set in. I thought of every option I could, but kept coming back to the same thing: there was nothing else I could do. I had to quit this job.

And by doing so, I had to learn to trust God in a way that I've never had to before. I know in my head that God provides, that He has a plan, that He will not fail me. But knowing it in my head and stepping out on it with no "safety net" under me...that's scary business.

I prayed. I cried. And I felt Him prompting me to simply "Let go."

Why do those two words "let go" always sound so freeing yet deciding to do just that feels like dying? Dying to what I think is best, dying to what I've known in life, dying to my own will. And "let go" to what? What happens after I let go? Where am I going to land?

My heart knows how to answer this even as my head screams no. My heart knows I will land where God wants me...and that it will be good because He is good and wants good for me. My heart knows I can trust Him. My heart knows He will make a way. My heart knows how to let go.

It's been said that courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to move forward anyway. Maybe the same is true of trusting. Choosing to trust even when you're afraid. And then choosing to trust again. And again.

I don't know what the next chapter of my life is going to look like. But I know that every step of trust that I take can be trusted to the One who knows the next step after that one.

I'm choosing to trust, even when I'm afraid. And when my fears rise up and say I shouldn't trust what I can't understand...then I'll trust anyway. Because God is bigger than the fears and uncertainty, and He will provide.